Hello Reader! And welcome back to my series on awareness and strategies for depression!

Today we’re going to talk about the first strategy that has helped me not only treat my symptoms but also make genuine progress in feeling less depressed and more emotionally resilient over time! Previously, I gave background on what depression has been like for me and I set the stage for what you’re about to read. If you missed part one, you can go back and read it here!​

(Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist. What I’m sharing is what I have personally experienced, and what I wish I had known sooner for my own situation. My advice does not apply to everyone, and is not a replacement for personalized therapy.)

Strategy #1: Internal Family Systems

The first thing that started changing my life was a recommendation from one of my aunts. I reached out to her with my struggles, and she told me about “You are the one you’ve been waiting for”—a book explaining a type of therapy called internal family systems (IFS).

Have you ever heard someone say something like, “there’s a part of me that wants to sell everything I own and travel the world, but another part of me loves the stability and comforts of my home”. Or perhaps you heard, “part of me really likes this guy because he’s so nice, but another part of me feels like we don’t have good chemistry”.

You hear these kinds of things because people have a lot of parts to their personality. Some parts of us are kind. Some are needy. Some parts like reading a book by a window, or overanalyzing things, or eating sushi. Still other parts want to protect us from danger or trauma. The one thing every part has in common is that they all want to help us—even if their methods cause us trouble.

Internal Family Feud

Usually our parts behave undesirably when they aren’t being taken care of. Imagine that all of your parts are members of a big family. Then picture one or more of those family members being “exiled” to the basement of the house. You can try to forget about them, but chances are they will get hungry and start complaining. They yell at you through the basement door, and they start fighting amongst themselves. The effect on your stress levels and focus is similar to being in a house with a screaming baby. You cannot repress your parts without consequence.

Another way our parts cause us trouble is when they become overly protective. When one part of us feels vulnerable, another part will often use behaviors like anger, anxiety, or being overly controlling to protect the unsafe part. For example, if we have a part that is afraid of large crowds then we might also have a protector that gets angry whenever someone suggests going into the city. The angry part of us thinks, "Behaving in this way will keep our friends from ever making a similar suggestion in the future, and we will be safe from the crowds"). If we can identify our exiles and promise to take care of them then our protective parts won’t have to act in extreme ways to keep us safe.

Because each part of us is a member of our internal family, we function best when every part feels seen and loved.

Naming my exiles

When I looked within myself I realized I had several exiled parts. As I share my own experiences, think about whether you have important parts of yourself that have been ignored, shamed, or put aside over the years—and write them down before you forget!

Nate Young: The carefree, fun, innocently mischievous part of myself. He likes playing in the snow, having adventures in the woods, being overly dramatic, and doing things just because they are fun.

• I self-exiled this part of myself since he seemed to be wasting time that could be spent pursuing my dreams and helping others.

Nate Fantastic: When I was a kid, I read a lot of YA fantasy and loved video games. In those worlds the impossible was possible, and I could live out incredible adventures with my favorite characters.

• I self-exiled this part of myself because I thought it was selfish and wasteful to spend my time in other worlds instead of my own. When I stopped gaming and reading fantasy I thought this part of me was gradually disappearing. Now, I believe Nate Fantastic just got pushed into the basement underneath other priorities.

Nate Asia: I grew up with Asian influence because my mom has a deep love for Taiwan. My love for Asia only increased after living with a Korean foreign exchange student for a year, and later living in Japan for 27 months.

• When I came back from Japan people thought I was obsessed. Because I was teased about my love of Japan—I often felt guilty studying the language and struggled for years to find the “right” balance of loving Japan and living out my normal life (as if they should be two separate things).

Understanding these and other exiles was the first step. The next step was figuring out what to do with that knowledge.

Internal family counsel

Realizing I have an imaginative side to myself doesn’t automatically mean I have to be an author—just like having a part of me that loves Asia doesn’t automatically mean I have to live in Asia. What it does mean is that I will face the consequences of my parts' disappointment if I don’t listen to what they have to say.

For Nate Young, Nate Fantastic, and Nate Asia, I was able to help them all with a single action. I bought The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, a video game I had wanted to play and beat for over 20 years—and I got it in Japanese. It’s been one of the most fun language studies I’ve ever done. Nate Young and Nate Fantastic were thrilled, along with the parts of myself that love puzzles and a challenge.

For me, overcoming my severe depression started with a promise to my exiles that I would take care of them. Whether I had to adjust my schedule, speak up for a part of myself that felt vulnerable, or walk away from a situation that was hurting my parts—I would do whatever was necessary. The beautiful result was that when I approached life with the mindset that I would be there for my parts, I had less fear and anxiety in my life. I found myself feeling more relaxed, confident, and happy with my relationships and life in general.

Using IFS has also helped me to accept and love myself. One of the key concepts of IFS is that we don’t have any bad parts. As I understand, the troubles come when some parts of myself aren’t living in harmony with my other parts. As I have identified and come to understand my internal family members better, I’ve learned to act as a moderator to improve my parts’ relationships with each other and make sure no one is forgotten. Through these exercises, I’ve come to better accept the roles my parts play in my life. And by seeing and loving them, I see and love me.

Strategy #2… coming soon!

Internal Family Systems was my first strategy and first step towards getting on top of my mental health. But for me, it was incomplete without a second critical strategy that I learned after getting my own therapist. That second piece to the puzzle is what we’ll be covering next time when we dive into the third and final article in this series!

Keep your dream life in sight!

-Nate

​

What did you think of today’s newsletter? Was it relevant? Was it interesting? I would love to hear from you! Reply and share a sentence or two with your thoughts!

​

Note: If you want to read more about the Internal Family Systems method of therapy, I recommend this article which has a more detailed explanation of how you can apply IFS in your own life. If this is really piquing your interest, I also highly recommend “You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For”. This book has been life changing for me already, and I expect it will continue to change the way I live and approach my relationships.