Dream Life Insight

The problems with perfection

Hi Reader!

For a long time I was proud of my perfectionism. I wore it as a badge of honor—waving it before the world with a smile as I said something like, “I know it’s not good to be a perfectionist, but I just can’t help it”. Both phrases in that statement were a stretch—I could have been less of a perfectionist if I had really believed it would help me.

Are you a perfectionist too? If you’re like me, it’s hard to change when you don’t understand how something is hurting you. I didn’t want to give up my perfectionism because all I saw was how it was helping me. Thankfully lobster brains and a principle from mechanical engineering helped show me the error of my ways!

Part 1: Lobster brains

Perfectionism—my beautiful, sparkly, and exhausting armor

Being driven to excellence can be wonderful. It’s fun to work intensely on my art, my business, and my kung fu. I love them all! Pushing myself to excel in a job to provide value for others is also really rewarding. This kind of thing is NOT what I’m talking about when I use the word perfectionism.

We run into trouble when our intent is directed not outwards at things we love, but inwards at things we fear. When I want to do everything perfectly to protect myself, that’s what I call perfectionism. Perfectionism is a suit of armor.

Armor for what you may ask? There are lots of ways perfectionism can feel protective and reassuring; here’s just a few.

1. Perfectionism protects my ego. You know what feels great? External validation to prove I’m smart, talented and cool. I don’t want anyone—including myself—to see me fail because failure might prove I’m not smart, talented, or cool. (You can read about a better mindset in my previous article Ready, mindset, grow!).
2. Perfectionism protects me from being alone and unloved. Usually unconsciously, it can feel like I’ll lose or weaken important relationships if I’m not perfect.
3. Perfectionism protects me from hurting people. I never want to cause someone else pain or disappointment. Putting on the armor is a great go-to for codependents and people who want to help others.

When is he going to talk about lobsters? I opened this email to read about lobster brains!

My apologies! You're right, you’ve waited long enough!

I learned about the development of lobster brains from the book “12 Rules for Life” by Psychologist Jordan Peterson.

Lobsters are territorial and often fight each other for food, shelter, and mates. When a lobster wins a fight, there are chemical changes in their brain that increases their confidence in later fights—even against larger opponents. The brain of the losing lobster changes too. The chemicals he gets (and doesn't get) cause him to avoid future fights, and he slouches to make himself appear small and insignificant.

Guess who else’s brains respond to wins and losses? Humans.

My inner lobster

I don’t remember when I made the connection between Jordan Peterson’s lobsters and my own perfectionism, but the realization hit hard when I did.

Without perfectionism I might not have done as well at certain things in my life, but I still would have had wins and losses that balanced each other out. My problem was that anything that wasn’t perfect was a loss. Getting a B+ or sometimes even an A- felt like a loss. Not finishing a project on time was a loss. Missing a single workout, not knowing what to say to a friend who was feeling stressed, or forgetting to respond to a text all felt like personal failures. And with every perceived failure there were physical changes happening in my brain.

I’d been confused why I wasn’t more confident. After all, I'd had great external validation saying something very different from what I was feeling. Now, thanks to some lobsters I'd never met, I understood what I needed to do.

The end of part one

“But wait!” you cry. “You haven’t mentioned mechanical engineering yet! And what did Nate do after he ended his armor enamor? Did he mope around for years as a self-critical crustacean?”

You’ll just have to wonder for the next two weeks I guess🤷🏽‍♂️. One thing I will say… I've made some great progress towards becoming a naked lobster^_^

Keep your dream life in sight!

-Nate

(What did you think of today’s newsletter? Are there any topics you want to hear more about? Reply and give me any feedback you’d like! I’m excited to hear from you!)

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Disclaimer: No lobsters were harmed in the making of this newsletter.