Hello Reader! And welcome back for the third and final article in my series on awareness and strategies for depression!

Previously, I gave background on what depression has been like for me and I shared the first strategy—internal family systems (IFS)—that has been changing my life. Today we’re jumping into the second strategy that has helped me make genuine progress in feeling less depressed and more emotionally resilient over time.

(Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist. What I’m sharing is what I have personally experienced, and what I wish I had known sooner for my own situation. My advice may not apply to everyone and is not a replacement for therapy.)

Strategy #2: Non-negotiables

Learning about Internal Family Systems (IFS) was incredibly helpful, but for me it was incomplete without a second strategy that I learned after getting my own therapist.

When I understood and applied this second strategy—I felt like I finally understood how to take care of myself without feeling selfish. I started enjoying life again; I started having the energy to be there for people I care about again; and I began feeling I could take on hard tasks like I did before my depression started. This has been a huge change for me, and this is why I love non-negotiables.

What are non-negotiables?

Within two meetings, my therapist, Clarrissa Hazel, quickly recognized a critical part of why I wasn't coping well with my depression. She explained that when we feel burnt out it’s often because we aren’t doing the things that recharge us. Taking breaks isn’t enough—we need to do things that actually give us energy. And then we need to make those things non-negotiable in our lives.

A non-negotiable is an activity we know revitalizes and reboots us. It can be anything from going for a run, playing a musical instrument, or having a conversation with a good friend. The reason these practices are called non-negotiables is because of their most important quality—a non-negotiable must go into our calendar before everything else.

Discovering my non-negotiables

Identifying non-negotiables can be tricky because they are unique for every individual. One of the reasons I love IFS is because it helped me understand additions that would be helpful in my life. By choosing non-negotiables that nourished and validated my exiled parts, I was able to keep the promises I made to be there for them. This is how I came up with my first non-negotiable—participating daily in an activity that ties me back to my childhood (usually reading a novel or playing a video game).

Another way I identified my own non-negotiables is by asking myself how I want to feel and then considering the activities that might lead to that outcome. One thing I want to feel more is enjoyment and awareness of the present moment so I started a 10 minute daily meditation practice.

Here are a few more of my own non-negotiables (I have 17).

• Exercise - One hour daily
• Strengthen my relationship with God - 30 minutes daily
• Use a foreign language - Two hours each week
• Do something social - Once weekly
• Clean my living space - Once weekly

Ignore the guilt

After discovering my non-negotiables, I had to do something that made me uncomfortable—I had to put those non-negotiables into my schedule and plan all of my other activities around them. Anyone doing this for the first time will probably feel this is impossible and selfish. That’s normal. If these feelings didn’t exist most people would already be living comfortably with their non-negotiables. Luckily, I had a great therapist to coach me through how to get my non-negotiables to work for me and not against me.

For starters, my therapist gave me the following advice. Do your best to ignore your own guilt and other people’s judgements for a while. In time, you'll find that you are able to be there for others (and yourself) more when you are living your non-negotiables.

Because I want to keep this newsletter concise, I’m not going to dive into the various reasons we might feel guilty about doing non-negotiables and how to overcome those feelings, but if you’re interested you can reach out to me and I’ll be happy to share a few more insights about this or anything else I've talked about.

Evaluating your non-negotiables

One of the most valuable things my therapist helped me recognize is that non-negotiables should NOT create a feeling of being overwhelmed. Here are several more principles I learned from my therapist for making sure my non-negotiables don’t get out of control.

1. Non-negotiables are NOT a list of everything we want to do. Don’t overwhelm yourself trying to do every single activity you enjoy. Just pick a few of the activities that MOST help you feel refreshed and energized, and then make those non-negotiable.
2. Non-negotiables do not have to be done everyday. You might be okay with certain activities happening only once or twice a week—or even a few times a year.
3. Non-negotiables are only as rigid as they need to be to. Structure can feel like a burden or it can create freedom. A good way to counterbalance the seemingly rigid nature of non-negotiables is to ask yourself the question, is the structure I have created making me feel trapped or giving me freedom?

If you feel you have too many non-negotiables, keep experimenting and whittling down your list. Over time, you'll find what works best for you.

Long term results require long term commitment

This article has only been skimming the surface and if you want to learn more we’ll be covering non-negotiables in more depth in my course (details below). For now, I want to finish by pointing out that non-negotiables are a lifestyle change. They aren’t meant to be done only when you feel there's a problem.

When I took a nutrition class in college I was told that if I feel thirsty, I’m already dehydrated. If you are feeling tired to the point that you need to sit down and do nothing or aimlessly scroll through social media to rehydrate your soul—you’re already burnt out. What if you took time to relax and do the things that really energize you before you ever feel that level of exhaustion? You might be well on your way to living a life that you love!

A new chance at life

Well, that's it for this series! If you’ve stuck with it and read all three articles, thank you. You've seen me go from feeling dysfunctional, selfish, numb, and in intense emotional pain to finally being able to get on top of my life, consider the needs of other people, feel like myself, and experience joy on a consistent basis again.

This is going to sound like an ad haha, but here goes… Internal Family Systems and Non-negotiables can help you intentionally alter your lifestyle to match what YOU need. Making this change isn’t intuitive, but when I experimented to see what would happen—I saw an increase in both my happiness and productivity within weeks. Ever since I started applying these concepts, the coolest thing has been slowly feeling more and more like myself as the months pass.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the same as I did before depression hit, but that’s not a pre-requisite for me to be happy. In fact, I don’t want things to be exactly the same as before. Don’t get me wrong—I really don’t like feeling depressed—but I’m grateful depression has pushed me to learn how to actually take care of myself. I’m on the road to my best life!

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Keep your dream life in sight!

-Nate

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(If you want specific examples of how to apply non-negotiables in your life—including a step by step breakdown of how to fit your non-negotiables into a busy 40+ hour work week—I teach all of this and a lot more in my course, “How to stop feeling overwhelmed and remove burnout from your life forever!”. Learn more using this link or click the button below to sign up now!)